It’s funny that Kaiser Permanente has been running ads talking about finding your motivation (to exercise and be healthy). While that’s one thing I do indeed need to act on, I have a bigger problem right now. I’ve lost my motivation to work and challenge myself.

No job is perfect, let’s be realistic. That said, the job I have right now is lacking in fulfillment. I don’t know how much I am to blame for that versus just being in a situation that is not a good fit. There is part of me that feels I ran into some bad timing, another component is that family life has some priority, and a part of me is to blame for not taking more initiative to change things.

Two-year ago when I was unemployed I took advantage of some career services. The Strong Inventory assessment measures a person’s interest in a variety of tasks and attempts to match that profile against people in a wide variety of professions. My evaluation came back and placed me in a subgroup that exists in only about 5% of the population. My advisor couldn’t make a recommendation on what types of jobs to explore because there aren’t any. It was so frustrating to feel like I had no purpose.

Of course, I think one caveat to the assessment is that it surveys what your interests are but each person must compare that against what one is actually good at. A lot of people love art and design but not everyone has the vision and creativity to be good at it as a job.

At the beginning of 2011 I was supposed to explore some job ideas and give myself to apply for some jobs. I made a half-assed effort to submit my resume for two jobs and never heard anything. Stupidly I gave up thinking that I could continue the search if I was going to get pregnant. Well here I am 10 months later with the same job and no bun the oven. I only have myself to blame and am kicking myself.

It reminds me of my college days. Every semester I would plan out my sources schedule for the next two years, and every semester it would change. Indecision would appear to be a genetic condition that I am cursed with. I think I give up too easily and talk myself out of things out of fear.

We’ve been trying for five months now. Granted the first two months were not ideal. First, we used lubricant which we did not stop to think is toxic to the little swimmers. Only in the third month did we really try to time it more closely and try more than once. The last month was much more serious but my 103 F fever subsequent cold may have thwarted our efforts.

Maybe some people would say not to worry, but there are several factors that cause me tonraise a red flag. First and foremost, I turned forty this year and if you read the statistics, it’s pretty scary. My monthly chance of conceiving about 5%-10%.

My own gut says that something is wrong because the other two times we’ve conceived, it took only two months. What a difference two years makes. I also suspect that something’s up hormonally indeed like I’m losing more hair and have increased acne.

It may be time for the two of us to sit down and have a serious discussion about our next moves. There are many financial and ethical factors to consider that are important to agree upon. Just theoretically talking about IVF we have a big difference in whether the possibility of twins is acceptable.

I will put off facing the music one more month. I’ve ordered an ovulation kit and we’ll see what it says during my next cycle. Wish us luck!

The first day of class I shared the table with an Irish woman. We broke the ice by talks about our companies and hotels. We both were unable to reserve a room in the hotel at the discount rate and chose the hotel across the street to avoid the $400+ per night rate at the conference host hotel.

As soon as she finished her first sentence I knew we had the same opinion of out situation. “I find that can I judge a hotel just by the elevator.” I had to agree. The lobby reminds me of a Travelodge or Holiday Inn. The elevator is one you would find in a 1960s apartment complex lobby. It was slow, small, and looked like it hadn’t been cleaned in a decade.

I suppose I was in denial until I stepped out of the elevator and saw the hallway of the fourth floor. If you could listen to my brain at that moment, you would have heard it say, “uh oh.” The walls were a non-descript beige with institutional looking metal doors that likely had layer upon layer of semi-gloss paint. There was absolutely no personality to speak of, it could have been a storage building or psych ward floor.

There’s not a decade of style to explain the color choices inside the room. I opened the door to find a room that was one-third the length of a typical hotel room. The plaster walls were painted bright peach with off-white and red toile curtains covering the fourth side of the room. The bedspread has a modern silver diamond weave, but that’s probably the only good looking thing in the room. The dresser, headboard, and nightstand look like hand me downs from a hotel I the 1980s. At least they give you a mini fridge for storing food and drinks.

Any guesses on the bathroom? Unless you’ve been here, you can’t possibly imagine. The walls had the same strange, peach semi-gloss. The most recent coat was likely put on by an inexpensive and inexperienced contractor. They were so lazy that they didn’t bother to remove any of the towel rods or outlet covers before painting. You see paint along the edges where the pieces meet the wall. The sink is a plain, industrial model with just enough space for a bar of soap. At least there is a small glass shelf over the toilet to make up for the lack of counter space. The piece de resistance is the bathtub. It’s so old that there is a cone pattern that widens closer to the drain of where the white enamel coating has worn away. The tiling is pink with a dash of white told to break up the solid pattern. The shower curtain is an abstract pattern of red, blue, and green that I would expect to see in a Lake Tahoe cabin.

The one thing I give them credit for is the triple layered eco fabric on the pillows and mattress. No doubt they are very cautious about the risk of bed bugs. I felt secure at night knowing that I wouldn’t get bitten.

What would you pay for this fabulous room? How about $259 per night?

Oh, and I forgot to mention that the walls are thin enough that I hear three different alarms go off in the morning and the bathroom faucet. Fortunately I never heard any tickles and flushes.

Why using so hard to find a comfortable shoe that’s not flat and not 3+ inches off the ground? Oh, and it can’t be slutty, childish, or too practical looking. I’m not asking for much right?

WordPress has a problem. All my posts are showing as Nov 29, 1999. Oh well…

October is fast approaching. I feel like I’ve been standing still the last six months. Its tough being stuck. I don’t know how else to describe it.

Back at the beginning of the year, I consider a job change. Knowing that we’d try to get pregnant within six months, I needed to make sure I could be employed for one year to get my full disability benefits for maternity leave. 

After half-heartedly looking for a couple months, I let the idea go. Then my husband wanted to out off trying for a couple months. Now its four months later and I’m not pregnant. Argh. I could have easily been working a new job by now. 

Now, not only am I stuck in a job I don’t like, I’m not pregnant either. How do I get myself into these situations? I should have just kept to my job search regardless of the timing.